This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
