remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
