My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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