Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
