Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
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I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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