And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
