i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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