Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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