Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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