Yo dont text me then not text me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
