i barfeds in our rink
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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