I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
