his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
