I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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