My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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