my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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