sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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