My first STD was from a foam party
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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