he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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