I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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