The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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