I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish you could order shots online.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
