I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize