no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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