im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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