Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
