If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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