something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
