It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
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We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
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at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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