I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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