Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
