i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
