So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
