im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we made out on top of his cat.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
