im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
