Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
