What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
