my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
ttyl tear gas
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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