i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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