Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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