Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
