i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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