I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
