I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
