1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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