I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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