She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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