oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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