First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
