did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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