Please don't use social media to get back at me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
