He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
