i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
