Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just threw up on my dentist
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
